Rick N. Backer
08-20-2003, 07:17 PM
Singin' the blues... a guide
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never
really understood the why and wherefores, here are
some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next
line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face
in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort
of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500
pound"
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a ditch.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part
in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis,
and Nawlins are still the best places to have the
Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that
don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A
woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg
'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your
leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking
lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you
slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny
Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up
on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you
gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues
beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the
electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer,
Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,
etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe
not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life is:
if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues,
period.
Ken Wilson
Amer. Dlx. Tele, Gary Moore LP,
Jeff Beck Strat, Morgan OM Acoustic,
Rick 360/12, Standard Strat (MIM),
Mesa 100 Nomad, Mesa F-30
"Just because people don't understand
you doesn't mean you are an artist"
If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never
really understood the why and wherefores, here are
some very fundamental rules:
1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."
2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the
Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next
line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face
in town."
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line
right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort
of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town.
Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500
pound"
4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a
ditch, you stuck in a ditch.
5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and
broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos,
BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues
transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound
train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools
ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part
in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.
6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin'
to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues,
"adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric
chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in
Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in
Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical
depression. Chicago, St. Louis, Kansas City, Memphis,
and Nawlins are still the best places to have the
Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that
don't get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A
woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg
'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your
leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.
9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping
mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking
lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
a. highway
b. jailhouse
c. empty bed
d. bottom of a whiskey glass
11. Bad places for the Blues:
a. Nordstrom
b. gallery openings
c. Ivy League institutions
d. golf courses
12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a
suit, 'less you happen to be an old person, and you
slept in it.
13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
a. you're older than dirt
b. you're blind
c. you shot a man in Memphis
d. you can't be satisfied
No, if:
a. you have all your teeth
b. you were once blind but now can see
c. the man in Memphis lived
d. you have a trust fund
14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of
bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny
Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up
on the Blues.
15. If you ask for water and your darlin' gives you
gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues
beverages are:
a. cheap wine
b. whiskey or bourbon
c. muddy water
d. black coffee
The following are NOT Blues beverages:
a. Perrier
b. Chardonnay
c. Snapple
d. Slim Fast
16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun
shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a
jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the
electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a
broken-down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you
die during a tennis match or while getting
liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
a. Sadie
b. Big Mama
c. Bessie
d. Fat River Dumpling
18. Some Blues names for men:
a. Joe
b. Willie
c. Little Willie
d. Big Willie
19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer,
Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how
many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Blues Name Starter Kit:
a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame,
etc.)
b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon,
Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson,
Fillmore, etc.)
For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Pegleg Lemon
Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well, maybe
not "Kiwi.")
21. I don't care how tragic your life is:
if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues,
period.
Ken Wilson
Amer. Dlx. Tele, Gary Moore LP,
Jeff Beck Strat, Morgan OM Acoustic,
Rick 360/12, Standard Strat (MIM),
Mesa 100 Nomad, Mesa F-30
"Just because people don't understand
you doesn't mean you are an artist"